The Internetter

Are you familiar with this photo? This snapshot of an average-looking, charming woman with a pleasant smile and docile demeanor?

If so, then congratulations on uncovering such a curious internet find! If not; take a moment to sit back, relax; and allow your mind to be royally fucked by the sheer perplexity of her existence.

Do not be fooled by her mild mannered appearance. Behind those gentle eyes and that unassuming veneer of calm lie a proverbial treasure trove of 100% homestyle, Top Secret, Government-Funded scandals and shenanigans. It’s either that, or a loving spoonful of pure, unadulterated, economy-size “Batshit Fucking Crazy”. No one really knows yet.

…or DO they?

Let me break it down for you, fellow Internetters: I first came across this unhinged honeypot late one night while surfing the web with my good friend from my hometown, Todd Tondera. Basically, he sent me a link where a group of people were in an uproar over the strangeness of her Facebook activity. At first, I was very skeptical and dismissive of his claims… chalking it up to over-exaggerated hype.

…But then I noticed who was making such a stir about it.

4chan. Now, if are not aware of what “4chan” is already, it will be nearly impossible for me to describe what it is to you in it’s entirety. In the simplest of terms, 4chan is one of the most fanatically dedicated and actively run Message Board/Forum sites on the World Wide Web. What is it devoted to exactly, you ask?

VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING.

 While most forums are usually bound to a single subject in an attempt to appeal to a mass of people with similar interests and inspire conversation, 4chan has a veritable plethora of topics and discussion zones to enwrap one’s self in… Need a place to talk about where to grind for some Epic Gear in World of Warcraft? Check. Got a few spare hours and want to figure out how to hotwire your neighbors car? Done. Erased your Page History and are desperate for some of that Wool Sweater Fetish porn you crave so badly? They got you covered.

No, seriously. It’s a real thing.

By now you are probably asking yourself… “What makes these guys so credible”? The answer is: their community. 4chan’s users are notorious elitists who base their entire communal hierarchy on information legitimacy (which is wonderfully ironic, seeing as most users who operate on the site prefer to do so anonymously). They are an extremely proud bunch who openly and aggressively repel those who do not seem properly acclimated to their cyber-community… if even one poster demonstrates a lack of knowledge or understanding of the (literally) hundreds of inside jokes, memes, or functions of the site that have developed by their user-base; they are promptly berated, assaulted, and ostracized. Much like a swarm of agitated killer bees defending the sanctity of their Hive; only instead of bees, it’s actually an angry mob of greasy social rejects ages 16-to-45 who are sitting in their mother’s basements alone and crying out for someone to just reach through their computer monitors and give them a hug.

Despite how I may be portraying the majority of their digital population, 4chan is actually an incredibly capable, organized and well-oiled machine. Many of their regulars are insanely talented technicians or computer hackers… and their expertise in web searching and infiltration does not go unnoticed. 4chan’s unofficial information specialist group (appropriately named “Anonymous”) have reached public levels of media attention numerous times, both positively and negatively. Once, they helped bring an Animal Abuser from Oklahoma to justice by tracking him and relaying their findings to a local police department. They were also one of the most notable culprits in the attacks made against the Sony Software company, specifically on the shut-down and subsequent invasion of the Playstation PSN Network.

In short, 4chan does not fuck around. Do not fuck with 4chan.

You hear that? SMITHEREENS.

Which brings us back to the lovely Catherine. The link that my friend had sent me originated on 4chan’s ‘X’ Forum, which is designed for readers who wish to partake in the Supernatural, Paranormal, or the Unexplained. The OP (Original Poster) was asking everyone to take a look at a Facebook profile he had stumbled upon, thinking the content rather humorous. But as the posts continued to roll in, people began to question the joviality of the situation.

I’m not quite sure how I can properly express to you the obscurity and simple shock value of what comes next; so I wont. It’s better if you see it yourself.

—-> ! CLICK RIGHT HERE ! <—-

That’s right. Take a good, hard look. This woman posts multiple statuses DAILY in multiples of ten and upward; and then replies on each and every one of these oddball headlines several times. To be precise, anywhere from 20 to 700 times. Consistently. She would post so often, in fact; that members of 4chan would actually keep their browser on her web page and Refresh it repeatedly over the course of an hour to discuss the various updates in real-time.

Go ahead, rifle through them yourself. Not one other individual is present (I’ll assume because most likely her wall is set to disallow comments). Every single post, every sentence, every word, every letter is hers and her alone. I tried to search back far enough to see when the first initial post was made, but simply gave up after mindlessly clicking through Months and Months and wave after wave of her dense text.

So here’s the question: What’s the big picture? What is her M.O.? What does she have so much to say about, anyway? 

The answer? Nobody fucking knows.

Karin enjoying a drink while your mind is unapologetically raped.

Start to read any one of her comments. Go ahead, I dare you. What happens? Your brain melts. Why? I’ll tell you why. Karin will talk in meticulous detail about anything… from the infinite possibilities of space tourism, to her trepidation of having an unnaturally perceptive housekeeper who has access to her room. But mostly, what you’ll find are claims that she happens to be some form of European Royalty (presumably from Estonia, derived from the Austrian “Hapsburg” Monarchy), and that the CIA have all of her actions routinely observed and are conspiring an elaborate murder plot against her. This, of course, is no different than the typical ramblings of your favorite local street urchin… but given the circumstances, it is a bit unnerving.

Like many of you are probably thinking right now, I immediately said: “This is obviously just some sort of bot or program that spouts random information”. But peek a little closer, and you will see an unmistakable method to her madness.

There is a definite change in the way Karin communicates in her earlier posts as opposed to her most recent articles. For example, if we look at this post:

“Me in 2004, M. A. (History) in front of Trinity College, University of Toronto, in “Francine McKenzie costume” complete with a member of the Staffordshire Regiment. Tom Delworth and Margaret MacMillan were Provosts (Student Residence Housekeepers) there and not History Professors.” Jan 3rd

As opposed to this gem,

“Normalcy vs. what they are doing. Jana Maurice Oldfield cloning Jillians Anderson and David Duchovnyis and murdering people experimentally battering them out of normal marriages and heritage ancestry to entertain and enrich these perverse dirty human abducting and cloning fiends: RCMP spermbanks Canada.” May 26th

…we see a disturbing evolution in the text. Not only is the subject matter much more abnormal, but even the general structure of her writing and train of coherent thought are markably altered. Its as if over time, her comprehension and writing skills degenerated while her fears of Government subterfuge escalated exponentially. Her thoughts become more disjointed and garbled… and in some posts, she even refers to herself in the third person, or uses the term “We”. In rare instances, it appears that she is having a vaguely coherent conversation inbetween her posts. It’s too… human.

…or IS it?

Others have proposed it to be a hoax, or some kind of giant internet prank; but don’t you think that if someone wanted to deliver a punchline, they would have done so by now? I mean… anyone who retains even the slightest sliver of their sanity can’t possibly justify the need to sit at a computer for over 12 hours a day just to Troll on some nosy Facebook lurkers. Thats just way too much commitment.

So, what does this all really mean? Well, the most realistic and popular speculation is that the women is just an outright, old school lunatic with access to a Social Networking website. This explanation, of course, could very well be the truth; Karin shows symptoms of a variety of very serious but scientifically accepted mental conditions. This list includes, but is not limited to:

 1. Paranoid Schizophrenia. Impaired thinking, distorted perceptions of reality, delusions of grandeur, and obsessive paranoia are all blatant themes throughout Karin’s posts.

2. Multiple Personality Disorder. Having internal conversations is uncommon for her, but abrupt change of interest or attitude towards a particular subject are not.

3. “Word Salad”. A more obscure illness, where the afflicted will arrange words in a sentence that appear to hold meaning… but carry no real significance. Its as if they simply vomit up any information they have come across in their life with no particular rhyme or reason.

If this diagnosis is true (which, in all likelihood, it is), then this tale is a truly a sad one. According to her Facebook Profile Info, Karin is an extremely well-educated individual with an impressive resume of both Collegiate decorations and career accomplishments. This would mean that at one point, she was a wildly successful person who eventually succumbed to the crippling weight of numerous psychological diseases. There does seem to be a lot of weight to this theory… after all, her posts might be full-scale, straight jacket crazy; but they aren’t exactly STUPID. The woman knows a great deal and references it quite accurately; nearly every Professor or Historical Figure she quotes or mentions can be looked up with results that factually prove their existence.

However, there are a few more… outlandish ideas that propose to explain her behavior.

Isn’t it a bit odd how hellbent on the CIA, FBI, and the KGB Karin is? I mean, nearly every other update on her page is either pertaining to the Government hijacking her eggs for use in underground breeding experiments or sabotage plots that are aimed at eradicating her families’ vast fortune. Not to mention all of the incredibly well-documented and copious reports on international crime networks, European Nobility, and Nazi philosophy… Is it possible that there is a kernel of truth in what she is saying? That maybe she really was an important figure who simply got too close to something big and needed to be dealt with? We hear stories of direct intervention all the time when it comes to Government issues; relocation, the witness protection program, and those little clicky pens that erase peoples’ memories (this is also assuming that the Men In Black are a valid branch of the U.S. Government).

My childhood is REALLY banking on that one…

Speaking of eliminating the past… I also find it positively creepy that most of the personal photos that Karin posts on her Wall are often hampered or defective in some way. Almost every one of her pictures are poorly conditioned with water or burn damage… and there is never an explanation as to why.

“I gotta stop leaving my photo album by my wet-ass toaster…”

Another very convincing take on Government involvement comes in the form of “PROJECT MKULTRA”. In a nutshell, Project MKULTRA was a covert scientific operation conducted by the CIA starting in the 1950’s and continuing on through the 1960’s that used an assortment of different techniques including drug and chemical exposure, hypnosis, sensory depravation, and electroshock therapy to manipulate mental states and alter higher brain functions; specifically to enhance or control a subjects mind and to better extract information from victims during interrogation. Often, subjects who were only mildly depressed or had faint anxiety disorders were unknowingly used without consent as test subjects… with a wide range of results. Two very striking ones in particular being: targets forgetting how to walk, or believing that their interrogators were their biological parents.

That big chunk of technical mumbo jumbo roughly translates to: “Yeah, I just shit my pants.”

Not to mention that this multi-million dollar Sci-Fi Convention didn’t just happen on U.S. territory, but on Canadian soil as well… under CIA direction. And guess where little Karin happens to live?

Torohto, Ontario.

Canada.

So, there’s also the possibility that the CIA jerry-rigged the ever-loving shit out of Karin’s brain, and now she’s sort of a twisted Government radio antennae who is constantly tortured with scrambled transmissions that she has to write out every few hours before they fly in too fast and her head self-destructs… kind of like that one old Keanu Reeves movie, but with Brains instead of Busses.

Oh, right! Speed. Go get ‘em, Keanu!

There are also a few other less far-fetched conspiracy theories behind Karin’s activity. 

Some believe that Karin’s Facebook is actually an account that multiple different users have access to, and utilize (in secret) to post and communicate with one another in an unconventional online archive to share sensitive material. Another similar opinion is that Karin’s Facebook acts as the transcript equivalent of a makeshift “Numbers Station”, which for those of you who don’t subscribe to ‘Secret Shadow Organization Lingo Monthy’ (totally worth the subscription fee, BTW), means that whatever Karin posts is actually arranged in a very subtle but surprisingly complex code that can only be undone with a specific key (called a Cipher) that another person possesses, which they then use to decode and interpret the message. Although I do not expressly deny that these are legitimate possibilities; I do think there are probably many more efficient systems to conduct such dealings over other than Facebook. That is, unless, you were going for the whole ‘Hiding in Plain Sight’ technique… in which, if thats the case; congratulations to you. Give yourself a gold fucking star, you’re a goddamn chameleon.

When all is said and done, however… whether Waldegrave is the unholy aftermath of a Government brainchild experiment gone horribly wrong, or she is simply a terribly troubled woman who constantly fears for her life; it’s pretty unanimously agreed upon that she should NOT be contacted or interacted with. I mean, on one hand… you could be potentially walking into a seriously classified Government deathtrap, and on the other; you could be hopelessly shattering whatever chances this woman ever has of reestablishing her mental and emotional fortitude (after all, the last thing a Paranoid Schizophrenic wants to be told is that you diligently stalked their every waking message for clues and that you did some intensive research to hunt them down). She is unpredictable, psychologically compromised, and possibly dangerous; and there is no way that a person would be stupid enough to try and locate her… right?

Wrong. A very minimal amount of interesting news erupted on the 4chan ‘X’ Board recently detailing that one of the particularly passionate Karin followers wanted to try their hand at getting some answers; and planned a trip from the UK to Canada using information (including a rough address at a very pricey apartment complex) he cross-referenced from her Facebook and interviews he supposedly conned out of a few of her friends and relatives under a false identity. Supposedly, the user (apparently named ‘Franco’) was confirmed leaving home by his family… and has not been heard from or seen since. There are a few topics floating around 4chan trying to pinpoint his whereabouts or uncover the truth behind his disappearance, but nothing seems conclusive yet.

My theory? Bitch got Negative Zone’d.

And finally… I bet you are wondering what Karin has been up to lately. Unfortunately, Zilch. It appears our chatty little Estonian Princess is laying low and hasn’t posted anything since May 26th of this year. We can only assume that she has either been silently assassinated by the cadre of sleeper cell agents who have been hiding in her pantry for the last twenty years, or the Canadian authorities apprehended her attempting to flee back home to Europe with a one-way ticket, a suitcase full of diamonds, and Franco’s freshly skinned face tied to her head as a masterful disguise. Really, those are the only two solid options.

And There you have it, friends: The eerie legend of Karin Catherine Waldegrave. Be sure to tell me what you guys think about this article, if you’d like to see more like it, and most importantly: any new or exciting information you may uncover while inspecting this case yourself!

Godspeed, Internetters.

-R.C. Novak, The Internetter

Let me start off by saying that my last attempt at trying to maintain a Tumblr failed miserably, mainly because I had no real direction or purpose behind it’s operation.

Now that I’ve had a little time to cool off for the summer and rethink my strategy, I am wiping the slate clean and going back to square one with a definite concept in mind: the often strange things I become enamored with on the internet, and my scathingly witty and often cynical observations about them.

Watch and be amazed as I dissect everything from the latest YouTube posting, to the most obscure hunk of news flapping it’s wings throughout cyberspace! You will laugh, you will cry… and so help me God, you will Subscribe.

Feel free to find some pieces yourself and send them my way. After I give them a proper brainstorming and article, I will credit you as a source and the direct inspiration to my genius.

I hope everyone has fun with this, and expect to see at least a post or two a week, depending on what I can sponge up from the murky depths of the information superhighway.

Here’s to throwing paint at a wall and seeing if it sticks!

- R.C. Novak, The Internetter